Let’s be honest, it’s all about the candy.

As Halloween fast approaches I wanted to make some notes for everybody to follow that will lead to a happy and peaceful Halloween for all.

Healthy Treats.

You know you feel you should, you know kids are going to be full of sweets and candy. You know that by providing them with a small piece of fruit disguised to look like candy or an actual toothbrush you are performing a service. Letting the kids know that there is someone out there who cares, someone willing to stand against the tide of consumerism and say No More! I’m here kids, I care.

I have some advice for you. Don’t.

All it is is a guaranteed headache for me when I get them home as I try to play your game and fail. It will go like this, Kids look! Mrs Dilbert from Number 42 has given you a banana with googly eyes, isn’t that so cute!*Disdainful stare from the children.*Here I will start to get desperate and wave it around a little, “but look! Its eyes are all shaky”.Now I will put on a funny voice “Hello, I’m Mr. Banana, I’m so delicious and yummy and when you eat me I will make your tummy happy from all that candy.”

*children still staring whilst slow chewing, giving me the look that says both I know and appreciate what you are doing but in all honesty I think you are a total idiot.*

After waving it about and trying my hardest I will pull out the big guns and appeal to their base instincts. “Look in to his eyes, when you eat him you will be EATING HIS HEAD!!!” He will die a horrible banana death and be a ZOMBIE!!!!”

To be fair this may actually get a flicker of interest, but you know and I know, in the face of that massive pile of candy they are not eating the damn banana.

So please, I am begging you, think twice. When you are giving out those healthy treats all you are doing is making my Halloween hard. Why would you do that to me?

Too Many Treats.

If you look in to their bags on Halloween night and see piles and piles of treats and you think to yourself, wow these kids have a lot of treats maybe I should hang back and just give them one chew a piece. It’s ok, give them the candy.

Do you know why?

Certain death or just a terrible lying parent who wants to eat chocolate alone?

Certain death or just a terrible lying parent who wants to eat chocolate alone?

Because they don’t eat at least 70% of it. I do. This is my night, they are my treats. My kids have yet to realise they are just costumed up little pimps for my chocolate addiction. They are my mules.Throw candy at them, let them bathe in chocolate, give them gift bags and mini Mars Bars galore. Because all along I am stood behind them calculating just how much I am going to steal away as they sleep and syphon off them slowly over the course of the coming weeks.Peanut items especially welcome. One of my kids has a mild allergy to peanuts. He doesn’t. I just like to tell him that so I can eat a Snickers bar in peace.

Costume Appreciation.

You open the door, you see an incredibly cute little ghost stood in front of you, a sheet over the head, and eye holes the lot. You exclaim about just how adorable this

is. You lean in and say “Oh my, you are the scariest ghost I have ever seen.” Then you happen to catch a movement out of the corner of your eye and look up to see the mum behind frantically shaking her head and making her eyes wide and you wonder what just happened. Until the cute ghost looks and you coldly and explains, “I am Not a GHOST!” “I am a death warrior from the planet Azzascream.

This child is clearly Iron Man.

This child is clearly Iron Man.

What has probably happened is that the mum is as terrible at sewing  as I am and has spent hours convincing her child that there is a thing just like that, they are terrifying and the sheet over the head is exactly what they wear. One word from you can ruin the illusion. If this happens just step back, look them up and down and announce “Oh my goodness, so you are! Those things are so scary I didn’t think anyone would be brave enough to dress as one.” Then throw some extra chocolate in for the mum. You’re good.

Go easy on the old timers.

You will be able to spot us easily. The ones that have done Halloween to death. Have spent weeks arguing over more and more outrageous costume demands, have carved more pumpkins than we can count and hated every one. We are tired, we have walked for miles with our children screaming, we’ve repeatedly told them not grab out of the bowls which was going well at the start of the evening but we have slowly lost control of them as the sugar that seems to float through the air takes over their tiny minds and their eyes start to swirl.

We want to go home, we are here because we love our kids but every second is torture on our already swollen feet, we are cold, we are stressed and we don’t need someone stood at the door reminding us our kids have turned in to sugar crazed brats.

We can see it, we are horrified by it and damn it we are trying.

If you have any pity for us, any at all, there will be small miniature bottles of whiskey slipped in to that treat bag and a reassuring smile over the shoulders of the small demon beasts that used to be our children.

We are sorry, we really are and we promise, hand on heart, we will eat their candy. It’s the least we can do.

Happy Halloween.

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