Just recently I was browsing the wonders of the internet and came across possibly one of the most repugnant and useless baby products I have ever seen. We all know as parents that companies try to trick you in to buying things you really don’t need or will ever use. Things like The Baby Bullet; not as evil as it sounds, it’s simply a hideously over priced blender with tiny pots to store food in, I believe it’s around $90. Of course you could buy it, it could be lovely and useful with those special pots for freezing food. Or, you could put $15 towards a hand blender and some tupperware pots from the dollar store.
With this in mind I will treat you to my lovely internet find, but first I was inspired to have a look around the net and try and find some of the best worst products I could!
5- Play-Doh perfume.
Just set the scene. It’s been a long day, you’ve dealt with tantrums, poo, various other bodily fluids, you’ve been screamed at, poked with sticks and generally run ragged and you’ve finally gotten the toddler in to bed after singing 18 rounds of Twinkle Twinkle, reading 64 books, doing your best impression of Elmo using nothing but a dirty red sock as a glove puppet and have extracted yourself from the side of the bed where you fell asleep and got your face stuck to the sheet with your own drool.
Maybe your partner is heading home, maybe you actually have a sitter and you are going out, you want to fix your hair, wear a nice dress and just for a little while feel human again. You reach for your perfume a tiny spritz and there you have it. You smell like Play-Doh. That smell you have desperately tried to get out of your house all day, that slightly sweet chemically smell that you have had trodden in to your carpet and spent weeks trying to remove is now all over you. Nothing screams I am a mum of a toddler more than smelling of Play-Doh, nothing destroys the aura of sexiness quicker. You may as well go out with a breast feeding pad stuck to the outside of your top (something I have done) and a mysterious orange stain on your top. Plus I have to tell you, if you have partner who gets turned on by you smelling of a childrens play product you should probably run away. Fast.
If however Play-Doh is your thing you can find it Here
4, Potty Mitts.
Essentially these are disposable gloves you put on your child when they are using a public toilet or even at home. The tag line promises they will protect your child from germs from touching the toilet seat or any other area of the bathroom. Great, or, you could just teach your children that after using a toilet wash your hands! Thus saving you a fortune on disposable mits and installing a life long
habit of good hygiene.
If you desperately want your kids to grow up with a phobia of touching a toilet and cowering in a corner desperately spraying themselves with antibacterial cleaner and screaming ‘The Germs, god above The Germs’ every time somebody sneezes then please head over here where you can find these miraculous inventions Potty mitts for the soul.
3, Willy Wigwams.
Little tiny tents you are meant to put over a baby boy as you change his nappy to stop him from peeing on you. Honest truth, there will come a time after you’ve changed enough nappies that getting piss in your eye is, quite frankly, the least of your worries and it will feel like you have gotten off lightly. I have changed nappies where poo has been oozing out of the neck of a t-shirt and pooling in the ears. I have changed nappies where the harmless passing of wind has suddenly turned in to a volcanic eruption of diarrhoea so severe that even after repainting the walls you can still see the scars and on a warm day the unmistakable smell of baby poo still lingers in the air no matter how much febreeze you go through. I’ve changed nappies in train toilets with all the elbow room of standing on a postage stamp and trying not to go over the lines and I’ve changed them on towels on friends living room floor where the arc of pee has been so violent that people standing 6 feet away have had to rinse their mouths out so their coffee does not taste like baby urine (although saying that I’ve drunk some brands of coffee where this would actually be an improvement). Trust me, in not a single one of these situations would a small fabric triangle have been even a tiny ounce of use.
You are, of course, more than welcome to try for yourself and see just how pointless these are but honestly, you do learn to keep your mouth shut and work fast pretty quickly when dealing with a baby boy.
2, Mr Milker.
As a new mother they say that breastfeeding is an amazing way to bond with your child. So is bottle feeding, basically feeding and loving your child is a great way to start the bonding process. The big difference though, the real proper difference is that when you bottle feed a child Dad can do it too. It’s easy to share. With breastfeeding, well your the one with the breasts it’s all on you baby.
Poor dad can only look on in mammary induced envy and wish he had the correct anatomy. Well no more Dad! Here it is, Mr Milker!
Now your partner can express milk in to the cleverly hidden bottles and you simply feed the plastic tubes through, hold your baby and voila! Instant therapy bills for the future when your poor child grows up and sees all those images of themselves snuggled up to Daddies pretend man boobs sucking away. Of course you could have perhaps saved yourself the money and fed your child expressed milk simply from the bottle but where is the fun and the edge of inappropriateness in that? 😉
If you can afford the therapy and your ears can stand the ringing sounds of disbelief and slight horror then please do head on over here and grab yourself a Mr Milker. Also then please post pictures. I need to see this baby in action! You know you want to.
1, The Placenta Teddy Bear.
The one that started this foray in to the world of weird parenting products. The one that terrifies me. No, not a teddy bear made to look like a placenta. Quite the opposite actually, your placenta dried out and stitched to look like a teddy bear. Your placenta is cut in half, rubbed with salts to cure it, dried out and emulsified, then you yourself must stitch it together from a pattern. It has the blank
terrifying look of something a serial killer would keep in his basement, it is neither cute nor cuddly and yet the more I stare in to his dead empty face the more I am drawn in………….Bob. I shall call him Bob and he shall be my squishy and I shall love him forever. Now if you will excuse me I need to lie down in a dark room and talk to my therapist as I’m sure your children will need to do when they realise that for years they have been cuddling up to mummys inner organs. Also I have a rather fetching spleen blanket to crochet.