I am a marketing genius

There’s a special kind of hell reserved for parents. The soft play area. Someone, somewhere thought to themselves. Well sometimes parents don’t want to spend an afternoon baking or making macaroni pictures with their children, they want to alleviate the guilt of letting them play Halo 4 for hours just for the peace and quiet and it’s raining out so let’s give them a soft play area!

Yes, let’s give them somewhere to go where they can sit on plastic chairs, listen to thousands of others peoples children screaming at a pitch even dogs would whimper at, charge them an absolute fortune to get in but let them know that at any time we can kick them out again citing ‘capacity’ then to add insult to injury let’s serve the shittiest nasty coffee we could find and ban them bringing their own in. We should staff these places with the surliest children hating reception staff we can find and market it all under healthy family fun!

Fucking marketing genius right there, if anything I’m actually jealous.

Where else would you let your kids run bare foot in to ball pools full of balls that other kids have sneezed, chewed and most likely been sick on and pay for the privilege?

He's peeing in there you know.

He’s peeing in there you know.

I can honestly tell you one of the worst mornings of my life was spent huddled in a plastic chair with a banging hangover as 300 kids ran screaming around me and Disney music pumped incessantly above my head, all the while teenage girls dressed as slutty versions of Princess Ariel and Cinderella tried to round up the kids for a friendly game of tag which in reality meant they ran past me as I cradled my cheap coffee and shouted things like, ‘I’m gonna fucking catch you’. Kids are beautiful creatures.


It even trumped the time we took ten 12yr old boys out on a speedboat in the English channel for a birthday party and half an hour before we left I had my head in the kitchen sink losing my breakfast and praying to anything that would listen to please release the tiny demons playing drums with hammers in my head and swearing I would never, ever drink again. Even though I still secretly suspect my friend poisoned me with bad cooking and it had nothing to do with the 3 bottles of wine, several vodka shots and that strange blue stuff we drank. Food poisoning for sure, that broccoli looked suspicious.


I’m going to create my own soft play area. There will be 2 sections divided by a large soundproof glass screen. You’re kids go in one side and you go in the other. You can watch them all running around but you can’t hear a sound, not a tiny peep.

You get to sit on the other side in giant sofas, probably from the DFS sale, somebody may as well make use of it, there will be a proper café with fresh coffee and homemade cake and after you have sat curled up and read your kindle to your hearts content you ring a bell and somebody goes and gets your kids for you. By that point they should be nice and exhausted and you can reward yourself on a job well done in keeping them off the Xbox for an afternoon.  It can’t fail.


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