There are times in your life when you have to realise you are getting older, the first time your kids use a word you don’t understand, songs stopping being relevant and becoming a noise, walking in to Claire s Accessories for fancy dress items instead of something nice to wear with your new top or being excited about Christmas because you get to match your new colour scheme instead of just thinking about all the stuff you are going to get. Actually that’s not true, I am always excited for all the stuff I am going to get!
So I listed a few things. You know, just to totally depress myself.
18 yrs old: Baby cries 5 times a night to be fed, I feed them, change them and get up the next day to go to Mother and Baby groups after making a healthy breakfast of puréed food for baby, am able to hold conversations with bus drivers and other parents.
33 yrs old: Toddler gets up once with a lost toy. The next day I can barely remember my own name, where I am and what I am doing. Stumble in to Toddler group with a coffee that’s gone cold because I forgot I even bought it and a toddler chewing on the first thing I could read off the drive thru menu, lose track of my child as every single one there merges in to a pile of blurry heads. Conversation? Fuck me, you would be lucky.
18yrs old: Shave legs in the shower, it takes a couple of minutes from ankle to knee. I get out and feel a chill, goosebumps appear on legs but they stay hair free for at least 3 days.
33yrs old: Shave legs in the shower, it takes 10 minutes of hacking through, debate if things have gotten bad enough that I should start to shave down to my big toe. Figure it will be ok, go to put razor down, notice hair on toe, sigh with the inevitable and shave a toe. Step out of the shower and feel a chill, goosebumps appear on legs, hair appears on nipples.
This is the future, be afraid.
18yrs old: If I slip over, get up, brush it off feel no ill effect.
33yrs old: If I slip over lie there for a second, not dazed, it’s just nice to have a few seconds peace lying on the floor with nobody bothering me. Start to wonder if I slipped or had A Fall.
18yrs old: Know every song in the top 10 and what position they were in, also if they have fallen or risen in the charts.
33yrs old: Not even sure if there is a top 10 any more, buys ‘Best of’ cd’s.
These guys are still around right?
18yrs old: Something creaks, assume it’s a chair and move on with my life.
33yrs old: Something creaks, spend 5 minutes flexing different parts of my body to see which piece it was.
18yrs old: Wine is disgusting and sugary bright coloured drinks like MD 20/20 are what it’s all about.
33yrs old: Has dawned on me I can look quite sophisticated drinking wine whilst getting off my ass drunk in a totally socially acceptable way, even at lunchtime.
18yrs old: Chocolate is like crack cocaine, I can’t get enough of it. It gives me spots.
33yrs old: Yeah, nothing changed really.
So to sum up, I am a hairy, musically challenged, sleep addled, accident prone, getting older every day chocolate addict.
Actually that’s a pretty fair representation. Damn.